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My baby boy turns 3 on Monday meaning for the first time in 5 years and 8 months I no longer have any children under that age. This feels like the dawn of a new era, one in which I am potentially no longer totally useless. I say this tentatively as I’ve declared this to be the case now at about 6 chronological milestones and in every case I was way too optimistic.

Ben was born in Malaysia. He joined Holly who I now know was a textbook easy baby. The whole thing still nearly broke me (just so you know what you are dealing with here). Just when I thought I’d got my mum-shizz together, the baby allocation fairies decided to send me Ben. Just to keep me on my toes I guess and to wipe that smug confidence off my stupid face.

Oh how I failed to appreciate Holly as she listened in her music classes, slept all night, cried a bit rather than inciting a fight to the death in sharing incidents and didn’t drop to the floor like a bag of breeze blocks whenever the direction taken was not her choice.

So to celebrate this milestone of my boy’s, the one that collides with nap dropping, potty training and big boy bed migration (gulp), I hereby blog a trio in triplicate of things that relate to my sentiments on the whole fleeting business.

3 Behaviours that no longer seem to be:

  • Random violence: Ben went through phases of biting me, biting others, pushing others, Phil Mitchell style brawling with punches to the face, wrestling moves better than those of Hulk Hogan, ninja take downs, pinching and the odd kick. One day at a highly respectable Club Med restaurant he simply extended his left arm and took out a nine year old in the style of “right turn Clyde”. I noticed the other day I hadn’t had to say sorry to another mum who couldn’t hear me through their poppet’s tears for a while now! Yay!
  • Complete absence of an attention span: In certain music classes I took him to there would be a story. He would sit down (probably punch a kid, see above), then.. “Once upo…. “ No he’s gone. He’s captivated by simple literature now. Yes!
  • Daddy preferring: By this I don’t mean the occasional Dada in testosterone fuelled moments of chest pounding I mean ALWAYS. For about 6 months you’d think Daddy had the breasts. (He doesn’t in case you were wondering). Phew.

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3 Things I hope will end soon:

  • Newborn style night waking: Most babies appear to be sleepers or non-sleepers. Ben has liked to mix this up from birth. He will give you a short run of all-nighters to lower your guard then chuck in 4 months of 3 wake up specials with the odd 5.42am day starts. Sometimes he’ll give you a run of hard settles and it’s so consistently inconsistent you can’t build a plan round it. I’m sort of hoping this ends one day.
  • Stubborn responses to necessary action: Just a general example: It’s the school run for Holly, time allocated to task initially plenty, oh there’s a puddle, come on Ben, drops to floor like ninja, flattens body. Only M&Ms can get us there on time.
  • The old favourite – tantrums. Just enough already, you must have enough neuron connections to know they are not effective.

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3 Brilliant things that are emerging:

  • “Face hold mwah sound snuggle hug mum kissing” ™: Possibly the best thing ever. They are not given willy-nilly either, you have to earn one and I am happy to put in the work.

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  • Communication by almost-words: This is maximum cute. Holly was pronouncing 5 syllable words by 18 months and memorizing paragraphs of the Tiger Who Came To Tea. Ben is being kind enough to prolong our delight. Done with breakfast? FISH-ED! Need a snack? Wan Nem n nems! Need recreation? Go paygwownde!
  • An awesome sense of humour: OK, we haven’t reached the heady heights of quoting Brent or Conchords, it’s more along the lines of moving his fingers randomly near your arm and saying “ticker, ticker, ticker” in high pitched voice (he means tickle). He’s seeking a laugh and he’s doing so with delightful intent. I estimate by 2023 he’s going to be a right old bust up.

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And to sum it all up in 3 words – I love him.

FIIIIIIIIIIIIIISH-ED!